So Cosmo Says You’re Fat??? — And the Sex Tips They Also Get Wrong

Hello sex-positive community!!! A few weeks ago, I asked the Twitter community to give me a writing idea other than reviewing sex toys and penis pumping. @EmmelinePeaches gave me a gem of idea that desperately needs to be promulgated: She wants to know the male perspective on magazine-style sex tips given to women.
So, I decided to go straight to the most famous source of all women’s sex tip reading — Cosmopolitan! (Not the drink, the magazine. Albeit, the drink would probably get you laid faster than the magazine ever will. Just sayin’.)
The meme (fake Cosmo cover) you see at the top of this post, is appropriated from the Interwebs. I can’t find the true owner of it. If you can find the creator, let me know and I’ll give it the proper credit.
With that out of the way, let me explain how this post will read. I am going to highlight some of the sex tips I got from this article: Cosmo’s 20 Favorite Sex Tips Ever, which was written in 2002. 2002?!?!? Yes, 2002. I guarantee that if you find something written by Cosmo in 2016, it will be the same junk with a different punny title. I will list out a few of their tips as quotes, and then I will talk briefly about my male perspective of them:

1. Pocketful of Pleasure
When he’s least expecting it, tell your man you need some change. Then stick your hand in his pocket and start rubbing his penis through the fabric, pretending that you’re really digging around for that coinage you need. When he’s good and hard, whisper something Mae West-ish in his ear like, “Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?” He’ll practically bust out of his pants.
Response: First of all, after being in the military for years, I have gone through rigorous training to know my environment. If anyone puts their hand in my pocket, they risk getting punched in the throat. To me, it just feels like I’m going to be pickpocketed. Secondly, who the F*** is Mae West? A quick Google search shows that she died in 1980. Even in 2002, I never watched anything with Mae West in it. Lastly, don’t use cliche sayings like “is that a roll of quarters….” Say something like, “I need this in my mouth right now. Let’s get out of here.”

2. Unhand Your Man
Give your man a massage without using your hands. Before you begin, slowly undress your partner, but make sure that he stays warm. (If the room isn’t toasty enough, cover him with towels or sheets.) Then, keeping your hands at your side or behind your back, stroke his body (all except for his penis) with your face, hair, and breasts. Once he’s totally relaxed, rub your breasts against his penis and he’ll happily rise to the occasion.

Response: Really? Picture trying to rub a man’s back with your buttcheecks. Your hair? Did you ever get your own hair in your mouth, crotch, or crack? The picture I get in my mind, when a woman is doing this, is equivalent to seal trying to walk along the shoreline. Use your freaking hands. The part about not touching his penis until he’s riled up, that’s a good tip. The rest??? — try crawling around on the floor without your hands, and that’s what it will look like.

3. Pop His Cork Try the oral-sex technique that I call The Screw. As you’re moving up his shaft with your mouth, turn your head a bit from side to side, letting your tongue follow a corkscrew pattern. When you get to the frenulum — that part of the shaft just beneath the head — be sure to lick it for a few seconds before moving all the way up to the top. Then repeat, moving down his shaft. What will drive him wild about this is that you aren’t just going up and down — you’re also going sideways. It’s 3-D!

Response: You know how men aren’t born with inherent knowledge to perform cunnilingus? Women aren’t born to know how to suck a guy off. Rather than trying some random tip from Cosmo (or similar syndication), try communicating with your man. Ask him what he wants as you are doing it, before you are doing it, after you are doing it. If you can open the communication lines for him to tell you what he likes, guess what??? You can do the same thing when it’s his turn! WINNING! Also, 3-D??? Last time I checked, the penis was already a cylinder, which is inherently a 3-D object. I guess the Editor never read Flatland.

4. Eyes Wide Open
Don’t close your eyes during sex. This is a great way to explore more of the emotional side of intercourse. Start by kissing with your eyes open and looking at each other during foreplay. Gradually build up until you can sustain eye contact throughout both of your climaxes. You’ll experience your orgasm in a totally different way. It’s a revelation.

Response: OK, this one is actually pretty good — if you’re comfortable with gazing. Check out my gazing article here. What they don’t say in this tip is that it’s not staring. This can get really awkward really quickly. I suggest practicing this outside the bedroom before you get between the sheets. Otherwise, you’ll likely just start making goofy faces at each other, rather than the romantic encounter it’s supposed to be.

5. Hot Dog!
Before giving him oral sex, position yourself so you’re sitting to the side, almost perpendicular to his penis. Cup your hand around his member, creating a “bun” around his “hot dog.” Then kiss the part of his penis that’s exposed while breathing hard. Your hand will trap your exhalations and make his member feel superhot (sic). With your other hand, work his testicles. He’ll think he has died and gone to heaven.

Response: I think this one needs at least a few cartoon pictures to help us less imaginative people get the idea. It reads like it was written by the same Chinese people who write the instruction pamphlets on some of my electronics. Also, don’t use words like “bun” and “hot dog.” We’re talking about sucking a man’s cock — how about a little bit less sophomoric language, and something more adult for this subject matter. The picture I get in my head when reading this is: standard blowjob with some ball play, hyperventilating, and Ballpark franks.

6. Sultry Slo-MoTo surprise him and build anticipation, try doing the same things you always do in the bedroom, but slow down to one-fourth of your normal speed. You and your guy will have time to really bond, and since you’ll be feeling sensation over a longer period of time, both your orgasms will likely be out of this world.

Response: The average sex session, according to Cosmo (*wink* I made that up — it’s just according to me and the psych articles I read.), is about 15 to 20 minutes. Multiply that by four. You will now have sex for 60 to 80 minutes. Look, I’m not Sting, and sex would likely give both me and my Wife a severe brush burn after that amount of time (no matter how much lube is used). Also, I’m not a star athlete or in my 20’s anymore. All I can picture with this slow motion stuff is having sex to the Chariots of Fire theme song.

7. Strut Your Stuff
The next time you go out with your man, wear your sexiest outfit. Go ahead — flirt with strangers and turn some heads. Tease. It’s easy to forget you’re still attractive to other members of the opposite sex when you’re in a committed relationship. But sometimes you have to remind your guy that you’re a prize, not an appendage. It really turns most guys on to know they have someone other men want to be with. And it can be a tremendous ego boost for you, too. When you feel sexy, you are sexy. Once you return home from your diva-date, you won’t be able to keep your hands off each other.
Response: Do you hear that, women? You’re a prize, not an appendage! Congratulations? This stinks of a chauvinist and misogynist mindset. Yes, I used to think this way. After three years of counseling and sex addiction recovery, I look at my Wife as an equal partner in a committed relationship. She is not a prize to be won. She is not an appendage. Also, I don’t want her flirting with other guys, just like she doesn’t want me flirting with other women. We’re not swingers or polyamorous. If that’s your thing, go for it. No judgement from me. It just doesn’t work for everyone.

So there you have it folks — my (35 year old male) perspective on the sex tips that Cosmo promulgates to the female population. It’s also worth noting that I went ahead and read Cosmo’s sex tips from men to women. They were a little more accurate, but the majority of them came from men who were under 24 years old. I think Cosmo (and other magazines) should expand their journey to the older population who can better advise our youth. Those are the people who can really talk about how to keep things spicy.