2016-08-06

Building Intimacy with Your Partner (a Background of My Original Perspective) -- Part One of a Series


So far, I've been playing catch-up on all of the sex toys I've tested and reviewed. There will be more of that coming soon, but today, I want to talk a little bit about building intimacy with your partner (from a straight male perspective). If you are a gay male, this will likely help you, too. If you are a woman, please read through and try to understand where I (like a lot of men) come from. And then, ask your man to take a read.

This is Part One of a series I'd like to do on this. Firstly, because it's not a one article topic. Second, intimacy is not something that ever reaches an end -- it gets better and better, but there is always something to learn.

Keep in mind while you're reading this, that this is a perspective from one male (me), but it is likely shared by a lot men out there.

I grew up in a very sex-negative, racist, prejudiced, and sexist area. It's a miracle that I was able to overcome all of that, but not without a lot help. People in my area were very much against anything progressive, so the only way I learned about love, sex, intimacy, and vulnerability was from the examples I had -- my parents. My parents hated each other, and they made sure they let me know it. So, the opinion of my Mom lead me to believe that all women are angry, bi-polar, and sex-negative. The lifestyle that my Dad taught me was to ignore my feelings, ignore women, watch porn, and just try to get through life.

Also, I was introduced to pornography at a very early age (around third grade). It became the outlet for my aggression and the template that formed my opinions surround women. I relied on Penthouse and Hustler to teach me what sex is, what women are supposed to act like, and that all women are just objects to be used for my pleasure.

At the peak of my teenage years, I learned from my friends how to pick up women, use them, and get rid of them. My entire teenage and young adult life was focused on three things: watching pornography, finding women with whom to have sex,  and moving onto the next woman. It was a never ending cycle that led to so many poor decisions.

If I could take it back, I would. However, my hope is that the lessons I learned will be able to help you overcome your issues with intimacy and vulnerability. It is my firm belief (with a lot of experience and anecdotal evidence) that a lot of men out there suffer from the same debilitating disease of porn and sex addiction. It is a real and documented pattern of addiction that should not be taken lightly. More on that in future posts.

Intimacy, for me, was solely based on how much sex I could have with a woman. It had nothing to do with sharing thoughts and feelings. As a matter of fact, I didn't really have feelings other than anger and lusting. Everything was sexualized. Once I got tired of having sex with that person, or once I felt like my partner was starting to fall in love with me, I destroyed the relationship. It was a safe outlet for me to protect my heart and keep my emotions bottled inside.

To close on this, you may be wondering how or why a man who was obsessed with sex would create a blog about sex toys. Well, it's not just a blog about sex toys. The primary focus is this article -- overcoming taboos and stigmas of the male sexual perspective. Sex toys, when you are in a secure relationship, are an absolute blessing to use. You will never see me reference pornography sites or anything that marginalizes women. I just can't support that.  After years of emotional work, I am completely at ease talking about and reviewing sex toys, and my hope is to convince you to use them to build intimacy and vulnerability like I have.

Feel free to contact me directly with any comments, questions, or suggestions. Subscribe to Sexually Secure, so you know when I post new content, or you can follow me on Twitter.
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